After three hours in the principal's office at my girls' school - having an unplanned conversation that could have gone on forever - I finally figured out why I push my children to fail.
I know. That sounds awful. But it really isn't. Let me explain.
My kids do well in school - they don't have to work too hard but, with the smart genes they inherited from their dad, they don't really have to. But I want them to. I want them to know what it feels like to work so hard for something that they're truly proud of what they accomplish. And I also want them to know what it feels like to work so hard for something and to fail.
Because that's life.
When everything is handed to you in life, and you never push yourself out of your comfort zone, you don't learn how to fail gracefully, and how to pick yourself back up and try again.
Failure has been an enormous presence in my life, and has pushed me to accomplish more than I ever thought possible.
I was rejected by far more medical schools than the ONE that accepted me. I never matched into my top residency program (though I am forever grateful to have been given the opportunity to learn psychiatry at the University of Iowa). I probably lost more tennis matches than I won throughout my career, and I rarely win races, though I compete in plenty. I was turned down by literary agents who wouldn't even give me the time of day. I have been told on more than one occasion I should just hire a professional to do the things I try to do at home, and I have killed more plants than deserved it just to grow some tomatoes that I don't even like.
But at least I tried.
And that's what I want for my children.
They're finally getting to an age where they see what failure looks like, and they're making decisions to participate - or not participate - based on whether they will be successful. Whether or not they will win.
So how do you teach a child that there is no shame in not winning? There is no shame in not succeeding. There is no shame in not being the best. There is only shame in not trying.
You push them to fail.
And so I push my children to fail.
Not because I want them to be failures or because I want them to suffer. Of course that's not what I want for my children. I push them to fail because it's the only way they'll learn to succeed.
I push them to fail because only then will they see how much harder they have to fight to get what they want and to accomplish what they've set out to do, and only then will they push the boundaries of what they think their limitations are.
Failure ain't easy!
